A Repetitive Journey

In order to center myself, I must fine what it is first that I must bring together. North, south, east and west I have searched and I have yet to find anything. But I think I know what my problem is: I don’t know what I’m looking for. The fucked up thing about this ordeal is the fact that I can’t deal with not knowing what’s going on. Crying about what I cannot see seems pointless, useless and most of all childish. When I can’t have my way, my inner child likes to come out to play hide and seek with my ego. But I doubt that’s it, because I always find it somewhere hidden beneath scares and wounds from former battles fought with harpoons made of hurtful words from oppressive tongues. I crawl under the crust of the earth, looking for something that can tell me what I’m really worth to him. But it can’t be there ether, because I tend to find that stuffed between what I hear and what I’m too modest to say out loud, but in the end, it always comes out of my mouth. Swimming the seas of emotion and pride, I search low, low, low and very low and…nothing but fear. Fear, fright, nervousness and tears. I guess that’s how this sea came to be. Crossing the desert terrain of my veins I find nothing but hollow tubes. I bled love for years now, and now suppose I have nothing left to give. My heart was meant for someone but they took it and now I have nothing to pump the life back into these lifeless twigs branched throughout the vicinity  of my body. Until one day I came across someone who retrieved it from the former in order to have me for his pleasure. So, I stopped looking there. I’ve run out of locations; I’ve ran myself to a dead end. I still want to center myself to find peace but I doubt I’ll gain anything from looking around again. I want to bring everything to the core; I need to draw together that which has scattered far away. Everything needs to stay together for my sanity’s sake. Lord knows I’ve tried by myself and so far I’ve done a pretty good job. Except for a few other times, but that’s also counting this one. I didn’t mean to get so irresponsible with myself; I can only blame myself. Obviously no one made me do it, I just have a short attention span and sometimes it gets the upper hand. Silly, I know. But I guess it happens to the best of us. We’re no better or worse than the jerk standing next to us, but for some reason they’ll think they’ve got it all more figured out than you do. Funny as that may seem, let them think that until life shows them the opposite- the truth. We’re all made to fail- designed to fall and crawl until we ask for what we need to stand back up on our own two feet. So where did all of what I was looking for go? I forgot to check the one place that I’m sure to be searching in and out of time: my mind. It’s a wonder I couldn’t find…well, whatever it is I need to find, because it’s all in there. In that vast open space that things pass through so fast, it’d be wise to keep yourself away if you know what’s good for you. But I have to go. If I ever want a chance at peace and serenity, I need to bite the bullet and stand in the way of danger; to seize the opportunity to bring myself together. God knows that’s all I’ve ever really wanted. That’s all…so I shan’t go in alone. I’m never alone. It would only make sense to keep the only one who knows what I’m looking for in my corner, especially at a time like this. Taking him is the only way I see myself ever having a chance at happiness. Hell, I’d be a dumbass not to. But nonetheless, I’ll find my way back through the twists and turns of this corrupt muscle. And when I do, I shall be made whole and new, after I bow down and thank God when I’m through.

In My Eyes

In my eyes. You can’t look at them. You’ll see yourself. You’ll see the reason there are tears falling from these eyes. Because of you. You caused these tears to fall and crash on the floor. My eyes so heavy with tears, my head falls. I’m too weak. I can’t speak, I can’t move; I fall to the ground. As you stand there. Watching me burn from the inside out with emotion so raw, only God could stand bare to carry what burns within. It’s too much. My yolk is heavy, and you’ve done nothing to help me carry it. It is finished. I am done. I’ve turned to ash, as you brush and dust me away. As I take my leave, you have a blank look on your face. I see it. But you don’t see me. You still can’t look, into my eyes.