“Saint Gage”: A Monologue

Cryptic messages in the night scream as loud as the pounding of my heart. Sounds, rings from above and below crush my eardrums with the brutal force that is you. I felt the slip of my heart in my hands as it almost fell to the ground when I started to give it to you, you missed it…on purpose. I bled out and remained unconscious but I was tricked my the euphoria. I thought it was falling for you but it turns out that I just fell to the floor from lack of blood flow because, well…you were supposed to be my saint, my savior. You held my heart in your hands while the iron and platelets cycled through the highway of veins that were intricately woven by the hands of God. I felt the weight of all the love I have saved for someone else lifting off of me like bricks lifting off of my chest only to feel them drop back down before I could even finish taking my first deep breath; you tricked me, you son of a bitch. I am angry, mad; I feel lead on and you don’t know how bad that feels, do you? I opened myself up to you, I started to share myself with you only for you to drop me, like a hot fucking potato. You know what really gets me, huh? You know what I really get burned about? Is the fact that I saw all the signs of you being a bad choice. I call myself not holding things you can’t help against you because, for all I know, you could be a great guy. Well I was wrong; I was tricked; I ignored all red flags and it makes me sick to think that I ever shared my thoughts, my feelings, my sympathy, my bed…with you. I sacrificed time and support when its availability is so scarce. Romantic economic status: below the poverty line. I guess that’s what I get. Even though I didn’t put all my eggs in one basket…I put enough in to let my soul starve. I hope it was worth it; I hope I was worth it…because let me tell you something: I will not, I repeat, will not let anyone do this to me again. I at least owe that promise to myself after what I put me through with you, “Saint Gage”.

Saint Gage

Your curls make me dizzy and your laugh makes me flinch due to the jolt of electricity passing through every receptor in my body. Not once has a message been translated as anything less than joyous. You’re as gracious as a new born and a heart just as pure. I consider every chance, every opportunity to touch you a privilege that I hope you never think I take for granted.

To sleep next to you is to have the most sound sleep I’ve ever had in such a long time and some nights when you’re here, I can barely sleep a wink; your presence demands my attention and I gladly give it to you whenever lucid enough direct it so.

I try to be sly with my glances onto your beautifully sculpted face; into the depths of your iris I drown when our eyes match. The most precious of occasions is the kiss we share. A kiss so unique and sweet, I melt to a puddle at your feet. It is your kiss alone that cause the planets to align; it is your kiss, dear Gage, that pulls my heart into your orbit. When you’re near, my heart belongs to you and only you. It is only when it’s in your hands that my blood can travel the canals in my body without it. When my heart is in your possession, I can never die. Come now, help me live forever. Claim my heart and hold it in your hands. You turn me immortal- grant me the pleasure of staying alive in your love. Be my savior and deliver me from the hands of death and every day I will remind you why you chose me in the first place.

Silence

Your silence speaks so loudly; when you actually say something, I won’t be able to hear it due to my deafened ears from all the noise of nothing being said. My ears ring from the quiet and I can’t hear my own thoughts. Your message is loud and clear and I have figured out what you want. The creator is now the destroyer, killing his best in show. Reopening those wounds healed by eternal dance to the heart strings played. If only eternity didn’t end yesterday. The colors painted, ones never seen before by human eyes are now turned to gray, black and white. Projections of negatives like photographs from life’s past, how appropriate for the circumstance. The masterpieces chiseled by erosion due to the speed of the blood pumping through my heart is finished and now left to decay. The beauty of it all is there to spectate but the work done by human blood is finished and all I have now is dirty, red hands. I carry here and empty box of band-aids because that’s the only resource I have left. There’s nothing in package just like the spot where my heart used to stay. Your silence coddles my heart with cold, dry hands only to carry it back to my chest with only my body to heat and heal it. But before the healing can begin, the heart must fit snug in the spot it used to call home, to make this so, the remolding of it must be done so that the connection can mimic that of two years ago. Your silence has done a lot; it has delivered your messages loud and clear. Though, tonight, the difference is it had a gift to bare. Your silence gave me back my heart because it’s not for you to have anymore. It is your silence that sets you apart from me because where there is silence is where we used to be.

A Repetitive Journey

In order to center myself, I must fine what it is first that I must bring together. North, south, east and west I have searched and I have yet to find anything. But I think I know what my problem is: I don’t know what I’m looking for. The fucked up thing about this ordeal is the fact that I can’t deal with not knowing what’s going on. Crying about what I cannot see seems pointless, useless and most of all childish. When I can’t have my way, my inner child likes to come out to play hide and seek with my ego. But I doubt that’s it, because I always find it somewhere hidden beneath scares and wounds from former battles fought with harpoons made of hurtful words from oppressive tongues. I crawl under the crust of the earth, looking for something that can tell me what I’m really worth to him. But it can’t be there ether, because I tend to find that stuffed between what I hear and what I’m too modest to say out loud, but in the end, it always comes out of my mouth. Swimming the seas of emotion and pride, I search low, low, low and very low and…nothing but fear. Fear, fright, nervousness and tears. I guess that’s how this sea came to be. Crossing the desert terrain of my veins I find nothing but hollow tubes. I bled love for years now, and now suppose I have nothing left to give. My heart was meant for someone but they took it and now I have nothing to pump the life back into these lifeless twigs branched throughout the vicinity  of my body. Until one day I came across someone who retrieved it from the former in order to have me for his pleasure. So, I stopped looking there. I’ve run out of locations; I’ve ran myself to a dead end. I still want to center myself to find peace but I doubt I’ll gain anything from looking around again. I want to bring everything to the core; I need to draw together that which has scattered far away. Everything needs to stay together for my sanity’s sake. Lord knows I’ve tried by myself and so far I’ve done a pretty good job. Except for a few other times, but that’s also counting this one. I didn’t mean to get so irresponsible with myself; I can only blame myself. Obviously no one made me do it, I just have a short attention span and sometimes it gets the upper hand. Silly, I know. But I guess it happens to the best of us. We’re no better or worse than the jerk standing next to us, but for some reason they’ll think they’ve got it all more figured out than you do. Funny as that may seem, let them think that until life shows them the opposite- the truth. We’re all made to fail- designed to fall and crawl until we ask for what we need to stand back up on our own two feet. So where did all of what I was looking for go? I forgot to check the one place that I’m sure to be searching in and out of time: my mind. It’s a wonder I couldn’t find…well, whatever it is I need to find, because it’s all in there. In that vast open space that things pass through so fast, it’d be wise to keep yourself away if you know what’s good for you. But I have to go. If I ever want a chance at peace and serenity, I need to bite the bullet and stand in the way of danger; to seize the opportunity to bring myself together. God knows that’s all I’ve ever really wanted. That’s all…so I shan’t go in alone. I’m never alone. It would only make sense to keep the only one who knows what I’m looking for in my corner, especially at a time like this. Taking him is the only way I see myself ever having a chance at happiness. Hell, I’d be a dumbass not to. But nonetheless, I’ll find my way back through the twists and turns of this corrupt muscle. And when I do, I shall be made whole and new, after I bow down and thank God when I’m through.