Lately…

Every night as my mind slips in and out of consciousness, my heart hopes for something my head knows it’s not time for. My heart yearns for something far beyond my years, but doesn’t care about the length of time that is deemed acceptable to feel these feelings. Emotions know nothing of time, they are selfish and ignore clocks and timers. Feelings are selfish and only want for themselves and to be fulfilled and until then, they will continue to annoy the mind with hopes and dreams that could never be satisfied right now. The mind analyzes and measure the chronological aspect of what the heart is asking for, but the heart isn’t interested in facts, figures or reality. The heart lives in fantasy and dreams, and whats to have what it begs for so childishly. It cries, bleeds for what it wants but the mind cannot agree. I lose sleep while I fight with myself. This constant war of what I hope and wish for and what is currently happening is keeping me up to think about what I want to say to him; what I want to confess to him…questions I ask myself over and over. “Is that real?” “Why do I feel this way, so quickly? So early?” “Should I tell him?” The heart knows not of reality. It is an “in the moment” type of life form. Which can lead down several roads and not all of them for the greater good. Things, question I ask because I am so confused as to what I should and want to say. I just hope I decide before it is too late to say anything at all.

The Return to the Wild

I forgive you child. I forgive you for ignoring my call. I was soft and subtle, not too loud. For you should yearn with your passions to break free of conservative expectations. I forgive you. You pretended as if I was never there. Passing me by everyday as if there was no time to explore your minds creative, wild side. You simply forgot who you were…who I am. You were simply stuck. Stuck between what you wanted and needed to say. When all along, what you want to say is always the best thing to say. For no one else can say it like you can, my child. Your voice rings in the ears of the scared and meek. You bring hope to those who have no direction, because your words penetrate more than skin deep. Your heart, your soul speaks to current explorers struggling along their rigid paths to finding their true, authentic selves. You’re a voice that guides them there, you’re words paint pictures of a paradise that few get to experience. Child, my dear child…my hand begged for your reception,but you passed it by as if I were unclean. You treated me so cold, callus and mean. I forgive you, child. I forgive your repressing your true authentic self. Because regardless of how much your try to pretend that I am not, I am still here, soft spoken with words to lasso your heart nearer and nearer still. And sooner or later, you will answer the call to release what I’ve been waiting for. For you to give me what you hold so selfishly inside; you’ve imprisoned what should be kept free at all times; your creative mind.

A Repetitive Journey

In order to center myself, I must fine what it is first that I must bring together. North, south, east and west I have searched and I have yet to find anything. But I think I know what my problem is: I don’t know what I’m looking for. The fucked up thing about this ordeal is the fact that I can’t deal with not knowing what’s going on. Crying about what I cannot see seems pointless, useless and most of all childish. When I can’t have my way, my inner child likes to come out to play hide and seek with my ego. But I doubt that’s it, because I always find it somewhere hidden beneath scares and wounds from former battles fought with harpoons made of hurtful words from oppressive tongues. I crawl under the crust of the earth, looking for something that can tell me what I’m really worth to him. But it can’t be there ether, because I tend to find that stuffed between what I hear and what I’m too modest to say out loud, but in the end, it always comes out of my mouth. Swimming the seas of emotion and pride, I search low, low, low and very low and…nothing but fear. Fear, fright, nervousness and tears. I guess that’s how this sea came to be. Crossing the desert terrain of my veins I find nothing but hollow tubes. I bled love for years now, and now suppose I have nothing left to give. My heart was meant for someone but they took it and now I have nothing to pump the life back into these lifeless twigs branched throughout the vicinity  of my body. Until one day I came across someone who retrieved it from the former in order to have me for his pleasure. So, I stopped looking there. I’ve run out of locations; I’ve ran myself to a dead end. I still want to center myself to find peace but I doubt I’ll gain anything from looking around again. I want to bring everything to the core; I need to draw together that which has scattered far away. Everything needs to stay together for my sanity’s sake. Lord knows I’ve tried by myself and so far I’ve done a pretty good job. Except for a few other times, but that’s also counting this one. I didn’t mean to get so irresponsible with myself; I can only blame myself. Obviously no one made me do it, I just have a short attention span and sometimes it gets the upper hand. Silly, I know. But I guess it happens to the best of us. We’re no better or worse than the jerk standing next to us, but for some reason they’ll think they’ve got it all more figured out than you do. Funny as that may seem, let them think that until life shows them the opposite- the truth. We’re all made to fail- designed to fall and crawl until we ask for what we need to stand back up on our own two feet. So where did all of what I was looking for go? I forgot to check the one place that I’m sure to be searching in and out of time: my mind. It’s a wonder I couldn’t find…well, whatever it is I need to find, because it’s all in there. In that vast open space that things pass through so fast, it’d be wise to keep yourself away if you know what’s good for you. But I have to go. If I ever want a chance at peace and serenity, I need to bite the bullet and stand in the way of danger; to seize the opportunity to bring myself together. God knows that’s all I’ve ever really wanted. That’s all…so I shan’t go in alone. I’m never alone. It would only make sense to keep the only one who knows what I’m looking for in my corner, especially at a time like this. Taking him is the only way I see myself ever having a chance at happiness. Hell, I’d be a dumbass not to. But nonetheless, I’ll find my way back through the twists and turns of this corrupt muscle. And when I do, I shall be made whole and new, after I bow down and thank God when I’m through.

Brighter in the Dark, Louder in the Silence

It’s…quiet. Very quiet. But only in the room. In my head and heart, now that’s a different story. In the silence screams volumes of repressed and suppressed emotions that I just refuse to let out and be made known. These…these feelings…they interrupt everything that I could possibly be thinking about to distract myself from the possible truth that I would have to face in dealing with these feelings. I can’t even so much as walk across a room, my room, without being slapped in the face with the three dreadful words that I fear to utter. They float along the inner linings of my brain like a marquee in bright neon lights; closing my eyes only makes the imaginary lights shine brighter. I’m scared. These…these feelings, these confessions hinder me from hiding my true position and where I stand. One of the very first things I can remember proclaiming was that I refused to be the first to put my heart on the line by regurgitating my true feelings to be forever tossed out into the universe to be done with what it wills. I refuse to let go and be vulnerable just to be hurt when you don’t reciprocate with a matching set of words. I clearly stated that I refused to be the first one to say it. I just simply refuse. I still refuse. But I also refuse to lose you because I’m afraid to be honest. I refuse to keep you in the dark about the marquee shining across my neurons. Because I would hate for you to keep me in the dark, too. I thought if I stuffed how I feel and packed in down hard and tight enough that I could get away with feeling that way just one more day. But I seemed to neglect the fact that the more I pack, the more I will overflow when I eventually crack. As of right now, my heart is stuffed with emotions that I refused to vocalize and my head is full of thought that I refuse to let you in on. And sir, I do believe, the next time I see you smile will be the breaking point of both vessels. At that point I will have no choice but the tell you the truth, my truth. I will no longer have the option to wait, because fate hath deemed it necessary to spill my secrets and awaken your deafened ears to what it pours in hopes to enlighten you on something that you probably already noticed a while before. You being such the gentleman, you keep quiet until I’m ready to come forth with my soul before you and allow myself to be shown bare; ripped away from everything carnal and left with purist part of me, because you deserve it. I just hope that one day, I can be deserving enough for you to show me yours…;