Sometimes

Sometimes I still feel like I’m in that beginning stage when I used to feel like I’ve found “the one”. Sometimes I feel like my heart moves faster than my head and it’s a race to try and keep up. Maybe that’s what that funny feeling is when I wake up in the morning- my mind stops for a while to rest while my heart keeps loving. My brain has to play catch-up on a daily bases. Sometimes I want to brag to my mother about the love I’ve found in him, only to be shamed, damned and evicted prematurely before it is my time to wave goodbye to her. Sometimes I want to jump in my car and drive to wherever he is and wrap my arms around his to remind myself that he’s still mine. Sometimes, when I’m lying with him, I breathe the air he exhales to make the saying “he gives me life” a reality. Sometimes I want to jump the gun and do everything I dream of doing with a husband right now, but only a fool would do that. Sometimes…sometimes I get scared because I feel like he doesn’t think about these things. Sometimes I have to bring myself back to reality and tell myself that it’s only been seven months. Sometimes I feel foolish for thinking such things like a sixteen year old girl wanting for her celebrity crush to come into her fifth hour biology class while the teacher is giving a lecture and sweep her off her feet and carry her back to his limo to do things her parents wouldn’t approve of. Sometimes these thoughts slip out under sarcastic comments to mask the fact that I wish I could be his forever. Sometimes I want to practice a proposal because I want to make sure I have the right face when one of us pops the big question. Sometimes I want to go online and see how much a wedding band costs. Sometimes I want to think about where we could raise a family when the time comes. Sometimes when I hear that other couples that have lasted for years say that the day they met their spouse, they knew they were the one, I feel like that could be me. Sometimes, when I hear those things, they give me hope. Sometimes I feel silly for thinking whether or not I’ve found my mate. Sometimes I hear that I’m too young to even entertain the thought. Sometimes I feel stupid when I think about how deep in love I am. Sometimes, I hope that I didn’t make a mistake in letting myself get that far, as if I could have helped in anyway. Sometimes….sometimes I want to ask him real life questions just to see if his answers would match mine. Sometimes I want to hear him say that his heart is solely mine. Sometimes I feel like I don’t need anymore time to see if this is what I want. And then, sometimes, reality sets in again…and I realize that it’s only been seven months. I come back to the real world and recall to remembrance that we still don’t fully know each other yet. Sometimes, reality is discouraging and the dream of us helps to ease it’s sting. I always pray that we share the sometimes to some degree. I’m not greedy, I don’t want all the sometimes to be just for me. I want some of his sometimes too, but maybe, sometimes, he’s scared to share his sometimes. I don’t blame him, sometimes, somethings are better left unsaid.